Sooooooooo....

I went to a new counselor down here. I like her sooooo much better than the one I was seeing in Oak Harbor. She's a holistic provider, which I like. She's not just another pill pusher head shrinker. We were talking about previous medications I'd been on and my family history for a bit. She was shocked to find that they had put me on 2 specific medications previously. Both of them are medications that a person with my family history (mom who's schizophrenic) should not be taking. Something to do with dopamine levels and if they're too high, can cause schizophrenia.... That was interesting... Anyhow, the first appointment went well. She gave me some very constructive alternatives to taking medication for dealing with my depression. She also gave me the names of 2 meds I haven't tried if I so choose to try going the medication route to get myself kick started into being more motivated etc. Another thing she mentioned was that my thyroid levels might be off from where they should be. The range for normal is so wide, that if you fall within "normal" most dr's call it good. It could off but still within normal ranges so not off enough for the drs to bother changing my meds. So it was suggested I see an endocrinologist (which I had suggested to my dr, but he seemed to think wasn't necessary, because "it's just hypothyroidism" and "easily manageable by naval drs"). It's very possible that I just need a medication adjustment and then my moods will even out. So needless to say, it was a very interesting appointment. Thought I'd update you all....

a small bandaid....

I've made an appointment for counseling. I have so much going on in my head that I don't know how to deal with. I can't make certain decisions for myself right now, because I don't know if I'm making the right or wrong ones. I'm honestly in no shape to be making life altering decisions. So I've got an appointment today. I called yesterday, and luckily someone took me immediately. It's a really good thing they did too. Because I'm making bad judgement calls all over the place.

It's one of those rare good days so far today though. Today is Kelly's birthday. I'm hoping he has a good day as well, as he's been terribly depressed himself. Drives him nuts that he can't help me because I've shut him out. anyhow, I'm rambling... I hope everyone has a good day today...

Broken...

That one word describes me. I've become severely depressed again. I can't think straight. I just hurt. Breathing, thinking, feeling, being. It all just hurts. I'm to the point where I randomly cry throughout the day.... hide myself away so no one can see, pull myself together quickly and go about my business. Often times it's in the van when I'm by myself. It's almost as bad now as it was when I had ppd after I had Skye. Except I'm not screaming at everyone yet. I'm sure the frustration of feeling this way and daily life will push me over the edge into that abyss again soon enough unless I get off my ass and get some help. I'm pretty close to that now... or just shutting down. My mind is so full of things, that I can't just focus on one and deal with it and move on to the next. It's all become one giant jumbled heap of crap and my brain is mush. Maybe Steve was right and I am crazy just like my mom, and I just don't know it yet. I tell ya what though, if I'm not now, if things continue to go the way they are for me currently, I'll be joining her ranks I'm sure....

:)

So it's been a little while since I posted. Not much going on... Got some cool stuff off of freecycle lately. Scored a really nice game table (foosball, pool, airhockey etc). That was the best score ever. Went to Tom Petty @ the gorge, that was way cool. Had a lot of fun there. Weather has turned crappy for the weekend, that kinda sucks... Ummm I guess I'll write more later when I'm not feeling so jittery... filled up on hot apple cider and have a bit of a sugar buzz right now, lol....